Break the Silence – Stop the Violence
Sermon given by Joyce Axelson
at The Brookfield Unitarian Universalist Church
October 12, 2014
Good Morning
Thank you so much for inviting me to speak this morning…I am going to share some thoughts, experiences and information with you regarding Domestic Violence. My intention is to provide you with information that may be helpful/hopeful, being mindful that there may be people here who have experienced Domestic Violence in their own life or someone they love or are close too.
That being said, if anything gets triggered within you, please talk to someone about this following the service…….
When I was pondering what to speak about this morning, I thought about giving you an overview on inter-partner violence and trauma, or giving you the most recent statistics, and I also thought about reflecting on our criminal justice and judicial systems and how those systems appear to be broken.
However, a recent conversation with my oldest granddaughter before she left for her first year of college led me to think more about BREAK THE SILENCE END THE VIOLENCE .
We were discussing a class that she was required to take in High School senior year, a psychology class. The first semester was on Domestic Violence, the second semester was on Sexual Assault. I asked her questions about the class such as:
*Did her classmates participate in the class discussion?
*Did she find the class valuable?
The last question I asked her was: If there was one thing a person could do to stop Domestic and Sexual Violence in our world, what would that one thing be?” She looked at me with those great big gorgeous hazel eyes of hers and said ‘Start Talking’.
I asked her to clarify that for me….she replied ‘no one talks about Domestic Violence, no one talks about sexual assault, so when it happens to someone they are afraid to tell anyone’, they feel ashamed, and alone.’
Over the past nine years I have been working with people who have been affected by Inter-personal violence in their lives…and I have witnessed and heard many Break their silence to stop the violence in their own lives. From their own words ‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to him – I just want it to stop’ ‘I don’t want to have to leave I just want it to stop’
Break the Silence --- Stop the Violence.. as we listen today to the sermon and to each other, I challenge each of you to hear a way that you may help Break the Silence and Stop the Violence.
My dream had always been to empower women so that they could hear and respect their own voice. My decision to go into this field was driven by my passion for peace, empowering woman, and believing that given the chance there is hope and recovery for people who have experienced inter-partner violence in their lives.
Little did I know that I would be so honored to listen to the untold stories of women who had been beaten down by the actions and words and attitudes of someone they were in love with and loved, someone who had fathered their children, maybe someone who had parented them, or perhaps a sibling.
Little did I know that I would be listening and hearing stories that had been bottled up for five, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty and sixty years.
Stories from people who had been so sure that the violence was their fault, and, that if they told their story their children would suffer even more, people who were convinced that they did not have the economic empowerment necessary to survive on their own.
As I sat and I witnessed and listened to these stories, my passion grew for working in this field. While I do not have the power to ‘save’ someone, I do have the power of my voice, and the energy and passion to advocate for people who have experienced inter-partner violence.
As Maya Angelou tells us ‘there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you…….
What does breaking the silence mean for a victim?
It could be as simple as telling a close friend, a neighbor, a relative, a Doctor, a Pastor, a teacher.
What is the impact of sharing their story for the victim?
Friends may say, ‘just leave’, ‘you shouldn’t put up with that’, etc. or they may share the information with other friends and people creating unnecessary gossip, some may be judgemental leaving the person who was abused feeling ashamed, sad, isolated, others may just abandon the person.
Family may be so tired of witnessing or knowing about the abuse that they take a ‘hands off’ approach and will no longer listen to the person who was abused….especially in cases where the person who was abused has tried to leave and returned, even though we know on average it takes about seven times of a victim leaving and returning before they leave for good.
Why does the above happen? Perhaps because of lack of information on how to help, perhaps some do not know that there is help available and where that help is…lack of educational resources within the schools and communities that we live in.
For example, it is a state law that every time a person goes to a medical facility or practice, that they be asked if they feel safe at home…which is an improvement over not being asked, and that law went into effect a few years ago because the lethality rate in Massachusetts for Domestic Violence spiked to a point that the Governor considered Domestic Violence to be a health risk.
However, more education is needed for the professionals asking that question…here are a couple of reasons why:
Recently after my Doctor asked me that question, I asked her what she would say if I had answered no I do not feel safe? She replied she didn’t know…I have asked many nurses and nurse practioners the same question with the same reply…
A simple answer to a person when they indicate that they do not feel safe at home could be ‘ Do you want to talk about it’ ‘Is there any way I can help?’ or ‘there is help available, here is the information, please read that information here where you feel safe and you are welcome to use our phone to call for help’.
A woman that I work with recently cut her hand while chopping vegetables, her husband took her to the emergency room to assure that she was okay…When my friend and her husband were taken into the examining room the nurse looked at my friend, who is 5’ standing next to her husband who is 6’4”, and the nurse then said ‘do you feel safe at home’?
My friend replied, I do. However, some of the people who do not feel safe at home and come in for help that may be standing next to the abuser when you ask that question, it can present an awkward, and sometimes dangerous situation for the person who is being abused.
Perhaps asking the patient at a time when they are alone with you would be a more pro active approach….(giving feedback information in situations such as my friend experienced can be very helpful in Breaking the Silence and Stopping the Violence).
One of the more significant things that can happen when a person Breaks the Silence is a floodgate of memories may come pouring into the stream of consciousness, memories of prior abuse that has been pushed into silence by the fear of what would happen to them if they told anyone.
I have seen this happen over and over again…when I ask a person that I am working with to tell me their story, and they begin by saying ‘oh this is the first time something like this happened’….and then will begin to remember other incidents, sometimes not in the first visit with me, but as time goes on and they feel safe enough to share….or safe enough that the memories are recalled.
Sometimes the Silence is broken by a significant event, a near death experience from the violence.
What happens then? Sometimes people flee the situation, try to get into a shelter (we currently do not have enough beds in our safe homes and people are turned away on a daily basis and then they have to hide until a bed becomes available).
Sometimes, the incident is reported by neighbors, police come, they try to determine who the perpetrator and who the victim are. The victim is offered an emergency restraining order and then has to go to court the following day to ask for an extension.
Things to consider and think about –
How does the defendant react when silence is broken? Possibly violence increases, or they stop paying child support, or everything is in defendant’s name, how does the victim relocate, questions or statements that come from victims….
my name is not on the mortgage, lease, section 8, the defendant would not let me work, I haven’t worked in years, how do I support myself and children? I no longer have a babysitter for my children when I work, he shut off my cell phone I have no way to call the Doctor or Police if I need to.
If the person lives in a County where there are SafePlan advocates working in the court system, a SafePlan Advocate can help them – tell their story, in a clear, concise, manner when they appear before a Judge in District Court to seek an order of protection.
What happens when it is an Assault and Battery?
The defendant may be arrested, held overnight, and brought to Court the following day…the defendant and the victim are in the same court room standing before the same judge, the defendant is granted a defense attorney for little or no cost, while the victim stands in court with alone or with a SafePlan Advocate, often being re traumatized by the experience.
Sometimes breaking the silence is working with a seasoned Advocate to explore all of the options there are for safety first and foremost and then exploring financial, housing, education, employment, child care, relocation, probate laws, etc. that are needed to go forward and build a life without violence.
BREAKING THE SILENCE IS DIFFERENT FOR EACH CASE….please remember, there is help available….
BREAKING THE SILENCE, how can we help? We can break the silence when someone we know or love comes to us and shares their story and saying to them in a non judgemental manner ‘there is help available to keep you safe--when you are ready come to me and I will get you to that help’…
Break the Silence by engaging in mindful discussions with others about Domestic Violence.
Break the silence by having an educated opinion about Domestic Violence by reading, doing research.
Take part in the conversations about how the NFL is breaking the silence; and how other sports teams are being invited to Break the Silence.
Domestic and Sexual Violence affects everyone…and with the statistics remaining at 1 in every 4 women will be or has been affected and 1 out of every 7 men has been affected, there are people in this room who may have been a victim, or know a friend, a family member, a classmate, who has experienced Domestic Violence in some way.
Domestic Violence costs millions of dollars every year in medical costs, additional monies for counseling, days out of work. Domestic Violence does not discriminate -- it takes lives of Moms, Aunts, sisters, daughters, Grandmothers, Fathers, brothers, etc….
This is not the Victim’s Problem, it is not those of us who work in the field’s problem, IT IS AN ISSUE WE ALL NEED TO ADDRESS -- it is a Community Issue that needs Community members breaking the silence….my participants need a village to heal, they need support, they need jobs, they need rides to services, they need a smile and they need you to help them recover from the shame and devestation of thinking they are alone and no one cares.
Many participants that I have worked with say to me ‘I didn’t know that anyone cared’, ‘I never could have survived without the help of someone like you’, I didn’t know there were so many people who would support my recovery from Domestic Violence’, ‘ I never thought I could do this on my own’….
It has been humbling for me to work with so many women who have moved forward following their experience with Domestic Violence, keeping in mind that success is different for each person, for some it is getting adequate housing, for some it is getting trained in a new position allowing them economic empowerment for themselves and their children, for some it is going back to school, for some it is moving to a new location…each person has their own story about how someone they love has torn apart their lives in such a devastating manner that they thought they would never be able to face themselves, let alone the world, again….
I invite each of you to stand with me and say the mantra that I have my pps say at the closing of each session or group that I do.
I AM
I can
I will
I will be available at coffee hour to speak or answer any questions you may have and I have also brought information to share with you….
Thank you so much for having me this morning to speak in behalf of all of those people who have untold stories still within them…May your day be filled with mindful awareness of the beauty within and around you…and may you smile extra wide today.
Sermon given by Joyce Axelson
at The Brookfield Unitarian Universalist Church
October 12, 2014
Good Morning
Thank you so much for inviting me to speak this morning…I am going to share some thoughts, experiences and information with you regarding Domestic Violence. My intention is to provide you with information that may be helpful/hopeful, being mindful that there may be people here who have experienced Domestic Violence in their own life or someone they love or are close too.
That being said, if anything gets triggered within you, please talk to someone about this following the service…….
When I was pondering what to speak about this morning, I thought about giving you an overview on inter-partner violence and trauma, or giving you the most recent statistics, and I also thought about reflecting on our criminal justice and judicial systems and how those systems appear to be broken.
However, a recent conversation with my oldest granddaughter before she left for her first year of college led me to think more about BREAK THE SILENCE END THE VIOLENCE .
We were discussing a class that she was required to take in High School senior year, a psychology class. The first semester was on Domestic Violence, the second semester was on Sexual Assault. I asked her questions about the class such as:
*Did her classmates participate in the class discussion?
*Did she find the class valuable?
The last question I asked her was: If there was one thing a person could do to stop Domestic and Sexual Violence in our world, what would that one thing be?” She looked at me with those great big gorgeous hazel eyes of hers and said ‘Start Talking’.
I asked her to clarify that for me….she replied ‘no one talks about Domestic Violence, no one talks about sexual assault, so when it happens to someone they are afraid to tell anyone’, they feel ashamed, and alone.’
Over the past nine years I have been working with people who have been affected by Inter-personal violence in their lives…and I have witnessed and heard many Break their silence to stop the violence in their own lives. From their own words ‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to him – I just want it to stop’ ‘I don’t want to have to leave I just want it to stop’
Break the Silence --- Stop the Violence.. as we listen today to the sermon and to each other, I challenge each of you to hear a way that you may help Break the Silence and Stop the Violence.
My dream had always been to empower women so that they could hear and respect their own voice. My decision to go into this field was driven by my passion for peace, empowering woman, and believing that given the chance there is hope and recovery for people who have experienced inter-partner violence in their lives.
Little did I know that I would be so honored to listen to the untold stories of women who had been beaten down by the actions and words and attitudes of someone they were in love with and loved, someone who had fathered their children, maybe someone who had parented them, or perhaps a sibling.
Little did I know that I would be listening and hearing stories that had been bottled up for five, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty and sixty years.
Stories from people who had been so sure that the violence was their fault, and, that if they told their story their children would suffer even more, people who were convinced that they did not have the economic empowerment necessary to survive on their own.
As I sat and I witnessed and listened to these stories, my passion grew for working in this field. While I do not have the power to ‘save’ someone, I do have the power of my voice, and the energy and passion to advocate for people who have experienced inter-partner violence.
As Maya Angelou tells us ‘there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you…….
What does breaking the silence mean for a victim?
It could be as simple as telling a close friend, a neighbor, a relative, a Doctor, a Pastor, a teacher.
What is the impact of sharing their story for the victim?
Friends may say, ‘just leave’, ‘you shouldn’t put up with that’, etc. or they may share the information with other friends and people creating unnecessary gossip, some may be judgemental leaving the person who was abused feeling ashamed, sad, isolated, others may just abandon the person.
Family may be so tired of witnessing or knowing about the abuse that they take a ‘hands off’ approach and will no longer listen to the person who was abused….especially in cases where the person who was abused has tried to leave and returned, even though we know on average it takes about seven times of a victim leaving and returning before they leave for good.
Why does the above happen? Perhaps because of lack of information on how to help, perhaps some do not know that there is help available and where that help is…lack of educational resources within the schools and communities that we live in.
For example, it is a state law that every time a person goes to a medical facility or practice, that they be asked if they feel safe at home…which is an improvement over not being asked, and that law went into effect a few years ago because the lethality rate in Massachusetts for Domestic Violence spiked to a point that the Governor considered Domestic Violence to be a health risk.
However, more education is needed for the professionals asking that question…here are a couple of reasons why:
Recently after my Doctor asked me that question, I asked her what she would say if I had answered no I do not feel safe? She replied she didn’t know…I have asked many nurses and nurse practioners the same question with the same reply…
A simple answer to a person when they indicate that they do not feel safe at home could be ‘ Do you want to talk about it’ ‘Is there any way I can help?’ or ‘there is help available, here is the information, please read that information here where you feel safe and you are welcome to use our phone to call for help’.
A woman that I work with recently cut her hand while chopping vegetables, her husband took her to the emergency room to assure that she was okay…When my friend and her husband were taken into the examining room the nurse looked at my friend, who is 5’ standing next to her husband who is 6’4”, and the nurse then said ‘do you feel safe at home’?
My friend replied, I do. However, some of the people who do not feel safe at home and come in for help that may be standing next to the abuser when you ask that question, it can present an awkward, and sometimes dangerous situation for the person who is being abused.
Perhaps asking the patient at a time when they are alone with you would be a more pro active approach….(giving feedback information in situations such as my friend experienced can be very helpful in Breaking the Silence and Stopping the Violence).
One of the more significant things that can happen when a person Breaks the Silence is a floodgate of memories may come pouring into the stream of consciousness, memories of prior abuse that has been pushed into silence by the fear of what would happen to them if they told anyone.
I have seen this happen over and over again…when I ask a person that I am working with to tell me their story, and they begin by saying ‘oh this is the first time something like this happened’….and then will begin to remember other incidents, sometimes not in the first visit with me, but as time goes on and they feel safe enough to share….or safe enough that the memories are recalled.
Sometimes the Silence is broken by a significant event, a near death experience from the violence.
What happens then? Sometimes people flee the situation, try to get into a shelter (we currently do not have enough beds in our safe homes and people are turned away on a daily basis and then they have to hide until a bed becomes available).
Sometimes, the incident is reported by neighbors, police come, they try to determine who the perpetrator and who the victim are. The victim is offered an emergency restraining order and then has to go to court the following day to ask for an extension.
Things to consider and think about –
How does the defendant react when silence is broken? Possibly violence increases, or they stop paying child support, or everything is in defendant’s name, how does the victim relocate, questions or statements that come from victims….
my name is not on the mortgage, lease, section 8, the defendant would not let me work, I haven’t worked in years, how do I support myself and children? I no longer have a babysitter for my children when I work, he shut off my cell phone I have no way to call the Doctor or Police if I need to.
If the person lives in a County where there are SafePlan advocates working in the court system, a SafePlan Advocate can help them – tell their story, in a clear, concise, manner when they appear before a Judge in District Court to seek an order of protection.
What happens when it is an Assault and Battery?
The defendant may be arrested, held overnight, and brought to Court the following day…the defendant and the victim are in the same court room standing before the same judge, the defendant is granted a defense attorney for little or no cost, while the victim stands in court with alone or with a SafePlan Advocate, often being re traumatized by the experience.
Sometimes breaking the silence is working with a seasoned Advocate to explore all of the options there are for safety first and foremost and then exploring financial, housing, education, employment, child care, relocation, probate laws, etc. that are needed to go forward and build a life without violence.
BREAKING THE SILENCE IS DIFFERENT FOR EACH CASE….please remember, there is help available….
BREAKING THE SILENCE, how can we help? We can break the silence when someone we know or love comes to us and shares their story and saying to them in a non judgemental manner ‘there is help available to keep you safe--when you are ready come to me and I will get you to that help’…
Break the Silence by engaging in mindful discussions with others about Domestic Violence.
Break the silence by having an educated opinion about Domestic Violence by reading, doing research.
Take part in the conversations about how the NFL is breaking the silence; and how other sports teams are being invited to Break the Silence.
Domestic and Sexual Violence affects everyone…and with the statistics remaining at 1 in every 4 women will be or has been affected and 1 out of every 7 men has been affected, there are people in this room who may have been a victim, or know a friend, a family member, a classmate, who has experienced Domestic Violence in some way.
Domestic Violence costs millions of dollars every year in medical costs, additional monies for counseling, days out of work. Domestic Violence does not discriminate -- it takes lives of Moms, Aunts, sisters, daughters, Grandmothers, Fathers, brothers, etc….
This is not the Victim’s Problem, it is not those of us who work in the field’s problem, IT IS AN ISSUE WE ALL NEED TO ADDRESS -- it is a Community Issue that needs Community members breaking the silence….my participants need a village to heal, they need support, they need jobs, they need rides to services, they need a smile and they need you to help them recover from the shame and devestation of thinking they are alone and no one cares.
Many participants that I have worked with say to me ‘I didn’t know that anyone cared’, ‘I never could have survived without the help of someone like you’, I didn’t know there were so many people who would support my recovery from Domestic Violence’, ‘ I never thought I could do this on my own’….
It has been humbling for me to work with so many women who have moved forward following their experience with Domestic Violence, keeping in mind that success is different for each person, for some it is getting adequate housing, for some it is getting trained in a new position allowing them economic empowerment for themselves and their children, for some it is going back to school, for some it is moving to a new location…each person has their own story about how someone they love has torn apart their lives in such a devastating manner that they thought they would never be able to face themselves, let alone the world, again….
I invite each of you to stand with me and say the mantra that I have my pps say at the closing of each session or group that I do.
I AM
I can
I will
I will be available at coffee hour to speak or answer any questions you may have and I have also brought information to share with you….
Thank you so much for having me this morning to speak in behalf of all of those people who have untold stories still within them…May your day be filled with mindful awareness of the beauty within and around you…and may you smile extra wide today.
Proudly powered by Weebly