We Are Courageous
Sermon by Jo Ann Pierce
Sunday, October 11, 2020
One day in one of my classes in high school we were discussing marriage. I don’t remember what class it was, that was a long time ago, and no, I am not going to tell you how long ago! The subject of domestic violence came up. One of the girls in the class said something like, “If that ever happened, I would be out of there so fast . . . ”. All the rest of the girls, including me, nodded in agreement. I don’t know about anyone else but I was imagining that abusers were beady eyed, ugly, mean, white, male drunks like I saw in TV westerns. Easy to spot a mile away, right? About 10 years later I found out how wrong I was. I married a guy who had sparkling blue eyes, was handsome, funny, outgoing, enjoyed the same things I did, never drank alcohol, and was nice to me. After we were married he still had sparkling blue eyes, was handsome, funny, outgoing, enjoyed the same things I did, never drank alcohol but he stopped being so nice to me. When I asked him why he said, “I have to be nice to everyone at work, when I get home I don’t want to have to be nice anymore.” Friends, here is the truth about people who are abusive. You can’t tell who they are by looking at them nor is it blatantly obvious by the way they act in public. Abusers can be a person of any sex, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, or status. They engage in emotional violence, blaming, controlling behavior, and often but not always physical violence. Since I got out of that abusive situation, in every church I was a part of, I have met at least one person who either was in an abusive situation or had survived one. Think about it. Every. Single. Church. United Methodist, Baptist, Congregational, Unitarian Universalist, it didn’t matter which one. Every. Single. Church.
What are people like who have experienced domestic violence? We are of every sex, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, or status. Many of us survive. Too many don’t. Some of us are scared, some are angry, some are ashamed, and some are confused, to name just a few results of the abuse. When we leave, many of us have money problems because our abusers controlled all the money. Remember, abusers tend to be very controlling. So when we left many of us were left with no money, no home, and sometimes no job. Many of us have some form of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Those of us with PTSD sometimes have trouble holding down a job. Many of us lose our religious faith, many of us lose our trust in people, and many of us lose our trust in the judicial system. But we all have one thing in common, we are courageous! We courageously stick out a bad situation until we are able to leave, sometimes singing lullabies to ourselves to get us through like in our musical offering. Even though it is often more dangerous to leave than stay we leave anyway. We courageously build new lives for ourselves. We find new faiths. Even though we sometimes are afraid or give up or fall apart or meet too many obstacles in the courts or in society or at work or yes, even in our churches, we pick ourselves up and go on. We are courageous. Yes, we are courageous!
Some of you may be wondering what you can do to help. I'm so glad you asked! First, If you are a parent of teenagers, talk to them about abuse and what to watch out for, even if they don’t seem to listen. If you are dating, learn what to be aware of for yourself. For even though it is not blatantly obvious who might be abusive there are warning signs if you know what to look for. Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT in a June 6, 2017 Psychology Today article wrote, “To avoid getting involved with an abuser when you’re dating, beware of someone who:
Second, if someone tells you they are in an abusive situation, most importantly, please believe them. After revealing my abuse to someone in a former church, that person said to me, “But he seems like such a nice person.” I felt so alone, frightened, and hopeless for quite a while after that. It is a good thing I am courageous! Friends, it is extremely rare for people to lie about this. If they are brave enough to tell you about their situation it means that things have probably gotten bad enough that they could really use your support. But support does not mean telling them what to do and it especially does not mean pressuring them to leave, especially if they are in a violent situation. I know that doesn't make sense but think about it, if bad things happen just because, for example, they disagree with their abuser about something, how much worse might happen if they have the god-awful temerity to leave? They need strength to leave. I liked what the person said in our second reading about the word "comfort". It means "to make strong." What a person in a bad situation needs is someone to listen without judgment or criticism. They get enough judgment and criticism at home. They also don’t need someone to make excuses for the abuser or analyze why they are acting the way they do. That’s so NOT helpful. It is helpful to briefly express your sorrow and concern about what is happening but don’t get caught up in expressing how you are feeling. The most important thing is listening. It helps the person to become stronger. At some point, after a lot of listening, it can be helpful to ask the person if they have thought of coming up with an emergency plan in case they had to leave suddenly. But please don’t pressure them. They may not be ready to even think about this. But when they are ready, support in coming up with an emergency plan can be very helpful. Things are most dangerous right when they leave so they need a safe place to go, like a domestic abuse shelter. Find out what shelters are in the area, if they have income thresholds and if one has to pay if one's income is too high. Find out if there is room in the shelter. I had to leave suddenly before I had a plan in place. There was only one shelter in my area, I was above it’s income level, and though there were a few slots for paying clients, all of them were full. The phrase from the Christmas story, “No room in the inn.” took on a very real meaning for me. There was no time to find another shelter so I ended up staying in a motel for a few days with my one year old son, under a false name and paying cash. I was scared out of my wits. So help a person make plans and alternate plans also. There are a great many helpful resources on the web. Just search under “domestic violence” or “domestic abuse”.
Finally, for those of us who have been away from our abusers for a while, it is helpful to be around people who will hear our stories. Each time we talk about our hardships and our stories are heard, we get stronger. It is also helpful to be around people who care about other individuals and causes, who act on their beliefs, who search for meaning in their lives, who laugh, and have fun. It helps us find new spiritual paths and helps restore our faith in other people. It helps to be invited to join groups, committees, choir, and more; even if we sometimes say no. It means we are seen as people who have something to offer. It helps to be accepted as we are. In other words, keep doing what you have been doing! I finally feel like I am finding myself again, in this church. Thank you!
To those of you courageous folks out there who are in a bad situation now, or struggling after leaving, I am here to tell you that there is hope. I was in a bad situation, I struggled after leaving, but now things are much better for me. I am in a stable situation now; my PTSD is under control, with prescription drugs, but whatever it takes; and I now have a wonderful, consistently kind, spouse. But all that did not happen overnight and it was not without help. You are courageous, but if you need a listening ear, or a ride somewhere, or something else, just ask. I am here for you, and I am sure that others in this church would be here for you. If you don’t find someone helpful at first like I didn’t, try someone else. Don’t give up! You are courageous! We are courageous!
Blessed Be.
Sermon by Jo Ann Pierce
Sunday, October 11, 2020
One day in one of my classes in high school we were discussing marriage. I don’t remember what class it was, that was a long time ago, and no, I am not going to tell you how long ago! The subject of domestic violence came up. One of the girls in the class said something like, “If that ever happened, I would be out of there so fast . . . ”. All the rest of the girls, including me, nodded in agreement. I don’t know about anyone else but I was imagining that abusers were beady eyed, ugly, mean, white, male drunks like I saw in TV westerns. Easy to spot a mile away, right? About 10 years later I found out how wrong I was. I married a guy who had sparkling blue eyes, was handsome, funny, outgoing, enjoyed the same things I did, never drank alcohol, and was nice to me. After we were married he still had sparkling blue eyes, was handsome, funny, outgoing, enjoyed the same things I did, never drank alcohol but he stopped being so nice to me. When I asked him why he said, “I have to be nice to everyone at work, when I get home I don’t want to have to be nice anymore.” Friends, here is the truth about people who are abusive. You can’t tell who they are by looking at them nor is it blatantly obvious by the way they act in public. Abusers can be a person of any sex, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, or status. They engage in emotional violence, blaming, controlling behavior, and often but not always physical violence. Since I got out of that abusive situation, in every church I was a part of, I have met at least one person who either was in an abusive situation or had survived one. Think about it. Every. Single. Church. United Methodist, Baptist, Congregational, Unitarian Universalist, it didn’t matter which one. Every. Single. Church.
What are people like who have experienced domestic violence? We are of every sex, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, or status. Many of us survive. Too many don’t. Some of us are scared, some are angry, some are ashamed, and some are confused, to name just a few results of the abuse. When we leave, many of us have money problems because our abusers controlled all the money. Remember, abusers tend to be very controlling. So when we left many of us were left with no money, no home, and sometimes no job. Many of us have some form of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Those of us with PTSD sometimes have trouble holding down a job. Many of us lose our religious faith, many of us lose our trust in people, and many of us lose our trust in the judicial system. But we all have one thing in common, we are courageous! We courageously stick out a bad situation until we are able to leave, sometimes singing lullabies to ourselves to get us through like in our musical offering. Even though it is often more dangerous to leave than stay we leave anyway. We courageously build new lives for ourselves. We find new faiths. Even though we sometimes are afraid or give up or fall apart or meet too many obstacles in the courts or in society or at work or yes, even in our churches, we pick ourselves up and go on. We are courageous. Yes, we are courageous!
Some of you may be wondering what you can do to help. I'm so glad you asked! First, If you are a parent of teenagers, talk to them about abuse and what to watch out for, even if they don’t seem to listen. If you are dating, learn what to be aware of for yourself. For even though it is not blatantly obvious who might be abusive there are warning signs if you know what to look for. Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT in a June 6, 2017 Psychology Today article wrote, “To avoid getting involved with an abuser when you’re dating, beware of someone who:
- Insists on having his or her way and won’t compromise.
- Has outbursts of anger.
- Is rude to others.
- Criticizes you or your family.
- Is jealous or possessive.
- Is paranoid.
- Threatens you.
Second, if someone tells you they are in an abusive situation, most importantly, please believe them. After revealing my abuse to someone in a former church, that person said to me, “But he seems like such a nice person.” I felt so alone, frightened, and hopeless for quite a while after that. It is a good thing I am courageous! Friends, it is extremely rare for people to lie about this. If they are brave enough to tell you about their situation it means that things have probably gotten bad enough that they could really use your support. But support does not mean telling them what to do and it especially does not mean pressuring them to leave, especially if they are in a violent situation. I know that doesn't make sense but think about it, if bad things happen just because, for example, they disagree with their abuser about something, how much worse might happen if they have the god-awful temerity to leave? They need strength to leave. I liked what the person said in our second reading about the word "comfort". It means "to make strong." What a person in a bad situation needs is someone to listen without judgment or criticism. They get enough judgment and criticism at home. They also don’t need someone to make excuses for the abuser or analyze why they are acting the way they do. That’s so NOT helpful. It is helpful to briefly express your sorrow and concern about what is happening but don’t get caught up in expressing how you are feeling. The most important thing is listening. It helps the person to become stronger. At some point, after a lot of listening, it can be helpful to ask the person if they have thought of coming up with an emergency plan in case they had to leave suddenly. But please don’t pressure them. They may not be ready to even think about this. But when they are ready, support in coming up with an emergency plan can be very helpful. Things are most dangerous right when they leave so they need a safe place to go, like a domestic abuse shelter. Find out what shelters are in the area, if they have income thresholds and if one has to pay if one's income is too high. Find out if there is room in the shelter. I had to leave suddenly before I had a plan in place. There was only one shelter in my area, I was above it’s income level, and though there were a few slots for paying clients, all of them were full. The phrase from the Christmas story, “No room in the inn.” took on a very real meaning for me. There was no time to find another shelter so I ended up staying in a motel for a few days with my one year old son, under a false name and paying cash. I was scared out of my wits. So help a person make plans and alternate plans also. There are a great many helpful resources on the web. Just search under “domestic violence” or “domestic abuse”.
Finally, for those of us who have been away from our abusers for a while, it is helpful to be around people who will hear our stories. Each time we talk about our hardships and our stories are heard, we get stronger. It is also helpful to be around people who care about other individuals and causes, who act on their beliefs, who search for meaning in their lives, who laugh, and have fun. It helps us find new spiritual paths and helps restore our faith in other people. It helps to be invited to join groups, committees, choir, and more; even if we sometimes say no. It means we are seen as people who have something to offer. It helps to be accepted as we are. In other words, keep doing what you have been doing! I finally feel like I am finding myself again, in this church. Thank you!
To those of you courageous folks out there who are in a bad situation now, or struggling after leaving, I am here to tell you that there is hope. I was in a bad situation, I struggled after leaving, but now things are much better for me. I am in a stable situation now; my PTSD is under control, with prescription drugs, but whatever it takes; and I now have a wonderful, consistently kind, spouse. But all that did not happen overnight and it was not without help. You are courageous, but if you need a listening ear, or a ride somewhere, or something else, just ask. I am here for you, and I am sure that others in this church would be here for you. If you don’t find someone helpful at first like I didn’t, try someone else. Don’t give up! You are courageous! We are courageous!
Blessed Be.
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